It has happened many times. I wake up, and I'm not sure what day it is, what time it is, or what I'm going to see out my window. I can't remember which city or even which state I went to bed in the night before.
The first time it happened, I paused, and I forced myself to play the old "I'm going on an airplane" memory game. You know, "I'm going on an airplane, and I'm bringing an apple, a banana, a coat, a dress, etc....
Well...I'm living in an RV, and I've been to Texas, Mexico, California, Montana, Minnesota, Michigan, etc... Thankfully my memory has only failed a couple times, and I can recap most of it fairly quickly.
It's not a byproduct of poor bedtime routines or bad dietary habits. My mental state doesn't seem to be in question (as far as I know). Instead, I think I'm suffering from simple disorientation--a confusion from constant transition.
It happens to everyone who experiences a major life change. We go to bed having lived one way, and we wake up in a whole new manner. We no longer live at home. We no longer have a spouse. We no longer have a job. We no longer have our friend. We no longer look the like we used to.
The reasoning varies, but the feeling is the same-- a deep disorientation that plays tricks on your psyche. It takes extra effort to align your brain with your body--your emotions with your physicality.
Back when we lived in brick and mortar, I never had to wonder what my backyard looked like, but there were plenty of "transition" periods that caused confusion and questions in my mind. I wrote last year:
We want to hurry past the time in between pain and purpose, but He wants us to sit in the uncomfortable silence just long enough to change our character. Never disregard the time in between. It matters because it molds. Transitions slow our pace to increase our prayers. To advance our very being, we must allow discomfort to finish its work.
In other words, we can't rush past the disorientation. Maybe we play a few memory games to see where God has us. Maybe we phone a friend or use a cheat sheet to reorient ourselves, but if we continue to outsource our comfort and critical thinking so that we don't have to feel disoriented, then we'll never truly learn from our experiences. We'll keep returning to the artificial feelings and lose sight of Truth North--God Himself. Don't let the disorientation of today dictate your directions for tomorrow. Stop, sit still, and orient yourself to what is true, right, excellent, and praiseworthy.
In the same vein, I've not been able to rush the healing of my wrist, nor skip this uncomfortable in between season that lacks structure. Instead, I've had to peel back layers of disorientation to figure out what I'm rushing towards. I've been down this road before, but like most of our natural bents, I keep learning this lesson over and over at deeper levels. God is good to allow me extended weakness so that I depend on Him for my purpose. Then I can walk farther on the road of fearless faith rather than lukewarm living.
Elizabeth Elliot said it best, "He makes us wait. He keeps us on purpose in the dark.He makes us walk when we want to run, sit still when we want to walk, for He has things to do in our souls that we are not interested in."
Disoriented Carefully & Carelessly
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